11 days and counting

11 days.

11 days that seem like they’ve passed in an instant, and dragged like an eternity.

11 days since we lost one of the greatest talents this island nation has ever produced.

It doesn’t seem -it still doesn’t seem – possible that it’s happened, so sudden was it to most of us, and that sharp disappearance then compounded by the shocking loss of another huge talent and influence both in, on and around the acting world…

My days have been filled with the normal stuff, work and friends, but also shoehorned in to every available moment, snippets trickling down into the gaps like sand, have been the videos, the songs, the music, the film clips, the tributes and of course the interviews and articles by friends, family, peers and fans.

The shock is here. How can it be still be here? It should have lessened, surely?

How can I be waking every bloody day with the “No more Bowie” thoughts, right there, front and centre. Heavy and empty at the same time, lightened by the myriad interviews that have been in circulation of these brilliant, scintillating men, flashing raw talent like a careless flag and just oh so very much Being.

For every archive I see, there is a lightening of the sadness, and then when it ends, it comes crashing in again, because you know that spark, that brilliance, those souls have gone.

Yes, we have all of those records, the films, the sounds. We can fill our every moment with them should we so choose, but always at the back of the brain is that dark spot that you try to keep at bay.

Nobody can tell me that this grief isn’t real, even though I may be incredulous at it myself – and I am – because it’s feeling about as real as it gets. Even seeing something as innocuous as David Robert Jones (8 January 1947 – 10 January 2016) on Wikipedia had tears rolling unbidden and unwanted down my face, at work, with everyone looking. On Sky this evening, the info for Harry Potter had been changed to “With the late Alan Rickman” and that was me, gone again, tears resolutely streaking my face without any input from me.

Is this going to continue forever, with me having to write it out again and again to try and resolve the loss? Because that’s how it feels. People are going to get sick of me, going on about it, but right now that’s all I can do.

That and keep getting caught in You Tube vortexes.



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