TELL THEM

Written by Emlyn Pearce, NOT ME.  But it needs sharing. 

https://www.facebook.com/emlynpearceblog/?

I’m sick of the way things are going in this country and I’m not keeping quiet any more!!!! We’ve been too fucking polite and too cowardly for too long: it’s time to STOP BEING AFRAID and tell people WHAT WE’RE REALLY THINKING!!!!

So if you know an immigrant in your neighbourhood, for God’s sake TELL THEM how much you’re glad they’re here, driving our buses and running our hospitals! Don’t let them spend one extra second wondering if they’re welcome or not!

If there’s a woman in a headscarf walking down your street don’t *pretend* you’re supporting her by politely walking by and avoiding eye contact: for fucksake give her A GREAT BIG SMILE and TELL HER how brave she is to publicly declare her religion when there are so many knuckle-dragging bum-bladders around willing to victimise her! And you can damn well walk her home too because it’s only five minutes out of your day and you haven’t made any new friends for about fifteen years!

Don’t let her think that the people who hate her are the only ones who know she’s there!

As William Shakespeare himself once wrote:
‘Neighbours, everybody needs good neighbours
With a little understanding
You can find the perfect blend
Neighbours…should be there for one another
That’s when good neighbours become good friends.’

Those words are even more important now than they were in the seventeenth century! So what if, starting today, every Sikh got a smile and every Hindu got a random ‘hello’?

Could we give a flower to a Frenchman and hold a door for the Dutch?

What if every person reading this texted all their foreign friends and said ‘thanks for coming to this grey little island and helping us put on an Olympics that wasn’t just about Yorkshire puddings and coming last’. Would it fix everything? No. Would it be a good start? YES!! YES IT WOULD!!!

AND PEOPLE, WE NEED TO MAKE A START!!!

There have to be more decent British folk than there are racist wank-puffins on trams in Manchester, and THE ONLY WAY their voice is louder than ours is if we don’t bother to say anything! There is a time for keeping quiet and treating immigrants and Muslims and people of colour just like everyone else – AND BUDDY THIS AIN’T IT!

I know you’d rather have your eyes scooped out with a hot spoon than use them to look into the eyes of a stranger; I get that being British is usually about being polite and reserved and minding your own business, and as far as British reserve goes I’m happy for you and I’ma let you finish, BUT THIS IS ONE OF THE MOST SERIOUS SITUATIONS OF ALL TIME!

This is no time to be tea-sipping and stiff-upper-lipping!

We need ACTION!
We need LOVE!
We need KINDNESS!
Fuck it, we even need a damn hashtag!!!
So ‪#‎TELLTHEM‬!!! #TELLTHEM!!! #TELLTHEM!!!

Body acceptance is the new black.

This link made me cry silent tears on the train on the way in to work when I first read it. You know the ones, the stealth ones, that just slide down your face until you accidentally inhale one and then have to cough and pretend you have allergies.

http://www.stuff.co.nz/life-style/8760102/When-your-mother-says-shes-fat

So much of it hit nerves  – although hardly any of it is me, not any more, because I have long since accepted my shape and that it is FINE – but it is true of other people that I love, or like, or admire or even see in passing on the train.

You get a group of women together (I’m sorry guys, for not including you, but it is still mainly women that do this), and invariably the topic turns to diets.

They ‘can’t’ have this bit of cake, or that bit of biscuit, they daren’t have that salad dressing, or the yoghurt they like, or even the FRUIT that they like. It’s got too many calories, or carbs, or too much fat, or sugar or, oh, anything except AIR for goodness sake. A headsup; you absolutely can have whatever you want. You don’t need permission, or for it to be a ‘treat’, or a bit of ‘naughtiness’. It’s just food. Enjoy it. You are not a lesser mortal. You, too, are allowed to have nice things.

My body is a fabulous thing. It is. Honestly. I don’t care if nobody else thinks it is. I want it to continue to be a fabulous thing.

If my weight impacts on my health, and I can tell when it does, then I know what I need to do, because I KNOW MY BODY. I eat plant and protein based, essentially, for a few weeks, and I feel better. Note FEEL better, not LOOK better.

I do not want to fit into society’s ideal. Because society is totally fucked up with regards to female body image. Of course, every so often, I think I would like to have a slimmer figure, because buying clothes might be easier – though I doubt it – but you know what? I DON’T have that slimmer figure. I’m a big girl, with a big frame, and in order to change
it, I have to go to silly extremes, and I am not going to do that just to conform. Just like those naturally skinny women. Why should they start to eat tons of everything just so they might look like…what? A totally different person, with totally different genetics to them?

I went to a gym for 6 months, for two hours, three times a week. Did I lose weight? Nope. I did have fun though. I was the only person in that place smiling. And why? Because my body was letting me do stuff. I can still go out and dance for 5 hours, if my back lets me, should I so choose.

KONICA MINOLTA DIGITAL CAMERA

I am fed up with seeing gorgeous, intelligent, wonderful women reduce themselves, their whole remarkable, living, breathing, child-raising, child-teaching, nightclub running, law practising, engineering, science experimenting, music playing, truck driving, bike-riding, company running, techgeeking, game playing, language learning, absolutely-fan-fucking-tastic selves, to a figure on a scale, a comparison to an ideal that so often isn’t even what it looks like on the page.

Enough already, Society, enough.

Our bodies are miraculous. No matter which bit is broken, or which bit has hair, or ‘too much’ fat, or spots, or stretch marks, or wrinkles or saggy boobs, or chunky legs, or ‘too big’ hips, the rest of it keeps us here, and breathing and living and loving.

And thank whatever deities we choose to believe in, for that. And you.

IMG_1758

You might be happy, but are you WELL?

Personally, yes, I am well. Ok, so I have a chronic illness, that periodically makes my life a misery, but even in those times, and in-between those times, I am – mostly – well and happy and content.

I am perfectly happy with how I look, despite The Media yelling at me all the time that how I look is somehow wrong. (There is no wrong way to have a body. Just saying.)

I enjoy my food, and I am comfortable in that joy. In fact, I relish that joy of cooking and eating.

Wellness for me is not the elimination of everything you hold dear with no sound medical reason, because someone else has tagged it ‘unclean’. That doesn’t lead to wellness, it leads to fear, and paranoia, self denial and almost self flagellation. It also seems to lead to an awful lot of expense. The wellness and clean eating trend seems to mean a totally clean wallet, mainly. The Medjool date sellers and Sainsbury’s must be in heaven.

I am very well aware of how my body works, and what it needs to nourish itself.

Now. Read that again. “I am very well aware of how my body works, and what it needs to nourish itself.”

MY body, not yours. Or anyone else’s. What works for me (and I do NOT mean what makes me lose weight, in case anyone asks) may very well not work for anyone else at all on this planet.

We are legion, and because we are legion, there are as many body types, and health types as there are teeming billions on this tiny blue pearl of ours coasting through space.

Wellness, to me, doesn’t mean restriction to the point of madness. It certainly doesn’t mean designating a foodstuff ‘evil’ just because YOU have a reaction to it.

For example, if I take tetracycline antibiotic, it kills my white blood cells. We learned this through a nearly fatal experience when I was 6 or 7, but I am certainly not going to go around telling everyone I meet that they should never take it and that it will kill them. There is not, and never will be, a one size fits all when it comes to food and eating, and nor should there be. We are not living in Airstrip One. Yet.

Thane Prince made a very good comment the other night at our cookbook club, in that the current fads are now decrying what used to be our ‘wellness’ foods back in the day.

Good, wholemeal homemade bread has now become evil incarnate. It’s a great shame. One of the most simple, basic foods there has ever been, a food which has sustained millions, banished by people who think the world needs to be spoken to like they all have an illness or an allergy.  I am not in favour of the Chorleywood technique, as that has caused its own problems, despite it being a very useful tool when it was needed but the pure pleasure in eating well made bread, with cool butter, is one that should not be ignored.

Bread – 4 or so ingredients, butter 2 ingredients. Together they bring joy. (I am, however, extremely glad that a gluten free bakery in London has managed to provide my GF friends with the same joy. Restriction through necessity is not fun.)

Bread

Projecting your own food fears and obsessions out into the world can be dangerous, but it is also highly profitable. Our £60 BILLION diet industry is proof of that. It plays on our fears, and our insecurities. Ruby Tandoh has a rather brilliant post here on the subject. I am extremely glad that she is using her media position to speak out.

Life will be better IF we are more slim, just that bit more slim, and then a bit more.

WHEN you lose the weight, you can do [swimming/cycling/play with your kids]

This is all just another Cambridge Diet, or F Plan, or Slim Fast or Grapefruit Diet or Lighter Life in another guise.

Cycle, play with your kids, swim, walk, dance when nobody’s looking, dance when somebody IS looking. It’s YOUR body. Nobody else owns it.

I wish that people were able to genuinely love themselves for who and what they are.

Life doesn’t begin when you lose weight. It’s only you that is stopping yourself from doing all those fabulous things. Yes, I did lose a lot of weight a long time ago, through severe restriction. NOTHING CHANGED. I was still me, and what I discovered was that am not a bad thing to be.

I’ll go on the beach, or by the pool, in a swimsuit and hang the critics. Why? Because it’s my body, and it’s my life, and people do not dictate to me.

You are under no obligation to look at me. But you can if you want.

Run with the Moon
Sent to me by my friend Becca, as it reminded her of me. I am deeply honoured.

Do Not Go Quiet

2016 has been a year. It hasn’t blown in, it’s scythed in. We’ve lost idol after idol after idol and though I am sure these things go in cycles, and it’s not actually that extraordinary, this year dammit it seems personal.

Someone mused today that Terry Pratchett is no longer around to keep Death confined to pages, so now He’s out, and running amok. We all know He loves music with rocks in, but please….man…enough.

I’m refusing to believe Lemmy is gone. It’s easier that way.

Bowie has transcended this tired earth, and gone on to the stars. I’ve written about him at length, but I’m still not ready to write more, to actually believe.

Chyna – she really was amazing. She – along with others that we have lost too soon – made it ok to be not the norm, not a size 6, not tiny/super pretty/blonde.

Chyna

She was beset with pain for most of her life, ridiculed for what she looked like, but she emphasised her size, and ramped up her power.

She did her own thing, her own way, all the time. This is a woman who had her swimming pool built in the shape of Paul Levesque’s arse, for goodness sake.

She was beautiful, and powerful, and somebody who made me think Yes, ME AND MY BODY ARE NOT WRONG. I just wish that her pain had been ended a different way.

Victoria Wood…too much. She was a friend, she felt like someone you knew, had already met. She was that person who knew how we felt, how we all felt, and echoed it in her characters. Everything had life running through it, our lives, our experiences, our blushes and our fears and our laughter.

Prince…I can’t even take that in today. I sat on the train tonight, tears rolling down my face, as I searched for that one bit of hope that TMZ had got it wrong, knowing in my heart that it was true.

Today is the one day that I have worn purple, in years. I hate that this is fitting, but I’m damned sure I’ll be wearing it tomorrow.

Prince2

His Purpleness caused outrage, and scandal, and in doing so made sure that people knew that sex, and sensuality, were NORMAL. Things to be sung about, talked about, shown and dreamed about. Having sexual feelings isn’t wrong, and he confirmed that to us time and again.

He glorified in sound, and rhythm, drums and bass and guitars and vocals. All of it, everything, and then some.

He gave women performers their space, and their time to be recognised, when often they were ignored or relegated to ‘background’ vocals. (Though many songs would be nothing without those vocals.)

He pushed artists into areas they were not used to, and pushed those areas into accepting performers they never normally would because it would have taken a spine made of adamantium to stand up against his will.

His genius flowed outwards and over others, bringing them into the fold, and making stars out of them too.

He told us, insisted, that being sexy wasn’t something to be hidden – and why should it be? Bodies are beautiful, and ours. They are the ONE thing that truly belongs to us. No shame, no fear, no “I should be…”

He gave us more than music, he gave us, along with Bowie, permission. Permission to be weird, to be us, to be and sing and play and wear what the hell we liked, regardless, and against the odds.

His music went far beyond his own.

Saying He Will Be Missed doesn’t even come close. It can’t.

Prince

You will be mourned, and celebrated, and played, and shown, and loved.

 

Prince Hair

Chutney Molly

I’ve always wanted to be a capable, organised cook. One of those deft fingered, sure footed women (sorry guys, but this is about me) with strong hands, that know where everything is in their kitchen, and exactly what they are doing. The cakes that rise every time, the crackle crusted breads from silken doughs, the glossy stews. My Nan was like that, and I cannot recall anything that she cooked going wrong. She would criticize it, almost as a reflex, because that was her all over, but everyone else loved whatever she made.

The difference in watching my mum cook, and my Nan, was that my Mum enjoys it. She enjoys food, and combining flavours, trying different things, talking about what goes well with what, and discussing what she’s cooked with other people. Nan always seemed to maybe not dislike cooking, but she didn’t revel in it, not like Mum and I can, and do.

Perhaps, for her, it really was just a chore, but one that she happened to be very good at indeed. Her chutneys and jams were things of legend in their Norfolk village, and she made so much every year that she could have had a cottage industry going if she’d ever thought to charge. As it was she just cooked mountains of chutneys, her kitchen piled high with garden produce. Always a harsh sting in the air from the white and spring onions, heaps of de-strung and sliced runner beans awaiting a mustard sauce, wooden chopping boards stained puce from fresh beetroot. She  gave most of those mountains away.

She had cooked for as long as I could remember. My first knowledge of her girlhood were the tales of her in the Land Army. Hoping to be sent away to somewhere she’d never been, but instead sent to a farm owned by a relative in Thundersley, Essex, was a bit of a blow but she coped, and coped admirably.

She was so small, and slight – “I had a 21 inch waist back then!” – that she could lie down in between the rows of cabbages in the fields when German planes went over, shielded by the dark, voluminous leaves. I can only imagine how terrifying that was as machine guns strafed the fields.

There was the time she had to ‘take the cow to the bull’, which she thought was just a “take that cow there, to stand outside that bull enclosure” instruction. She didn’t realise she had to put the cow IN with the bull, as she wasn’t aware of the purpose of that particular bovine visitation. The farm hands found her an hour later, still stood there, wondering what was meant to happen, with a particularly cross bull glaring at her from behind his fence.

The bull seemed to take a dislike to her after that, charging at her on one occasion and pinning her to the fence, each of his horns either side of her waist embedded in the wood. She wriggled free.

Another time he chased her across a field into a barn, where all she could do was flee up a great pile of chaff which, of course, just kept giving way beneath her. She was, essentially, running on the spot halfway up, while the bull stamped and snorted at the bottom, foaming at the mouth. The farm hands rescued her, once they’d stopped laughing.

Poor Molly Kathleen.

Life never ran smoothly for her. There were Things we never spoke of, which had made her very wary, and almost scared – certainly highly suspicious –  of any man that wasn’t my grandfather, whom she nagged to death. Sadly, that was literally. His last words to her were “For once in your life, Molly Crowe, will you shut up and listen!?”

Life probably could have been good to her, had she not seemed to always tread the path of most resistance. In a way I do wish that I could have made her journey easier, but she withstood even me, her only grandchild, becoming by the end a paranoid and bitter woman, insisting that we only wanted her for her money, which could not have been further from the truth.

Our last conversation, after my cards and letters were sent back torn up,  was her telling me that I was dead to her, because I’d taken the ‘side’ of my mum and my step dad (over some made up row that nobody but she could actually recall), and me telling her that if that was what she needed to do to feel safe, then so be it, but that I still loved her.

That was that. All contact severed, never to be heard from again. I tried a few times, but there’s only so much hurt you can take before you painfully realise that it’s actually a relief not to walk on eggshells, or jump when the phone rings any more.

Molly Kathleen Crowe, you may not have given me your love, at the end, but you did give me your skill, your curly hair, your siege mentality when it comes to the kitchen store cupboards, and two chutney recipes. (in her words, below)

Beetroot, Apple and Onion Chutney
(Nan’s Recipe)

1lb cooked and peeled beetroot, cold (about 1 cm square)
1lb (after peeling and coring) cooking apples
½ lb onions
½ lb soft brown sugar
¼ pint malt vinegar
salt and pepper to taste

Chop apples and onions quite small (1 cm square) and put into a pan with the vinegar and sugar. Stir over a medium heat until the sugar is quite dissolved then simmer gently until thick and soft. Season and remove from the heat. Leave to cool for 5 minutes and then add the chopped beetroot and stir really well. Put into sterilised jars, cover with jam pot covers and secure tightly when cool. Try to use plastic lined lids as the vinegar reacts with the metal ones and can cause the chutney to taste awful. (This in a cheese sandwich is pure, sweet, tangy heaven ~ Lisa)

Autumn apple

Apple Chutney
(Nan’s Recipe)

2lb (after peeling and coring) of cooking apples
1lb onions
12 oz soft brown sugar
2-4 oz sultanas
1 tsp salt
½ tsp ground ginger
½ tsp cayenne pepper
½ tsp mixed spice
½ tsp cinnamon
½ pint malt vinegar

Chop apples and onions fairly small. Place onions in a pan with a little vinegar and simmer until soft then add the apples, dried fruit, spices and sugar. Stir well until the sugar is dissolved and then add the rest of the vinegar and cook until soft and thick. If you divide the mixture with a wooden spoon and the divide remains then it is done. Taste and adjust seasonings to taste.
Place in warm sterilised jars and cover with waxed pot covers when cool. Use plastic lined lids as vinegar attacks metals ones and spoils the flavour.

Green Tomato Chutney

But what about meeeee?

I absolutely understand the need for inclusivity. Deliberately excluding people on grounds of race or gender or sexuality or position in society or status is needless.

Being mean to people is bad, m’kay?

We are all agreed on that, yes? Good. Right then.

Twice a year we have Days for certain people. Mums and Dads. It doesn’t say what kind of dad, or what kind of mum, or how they became their version of that, it is just a day upon which to make a fuss of them and do nice things should you so choose.

Today, Mothering Sunday in the UK, a lovely place offered free little cakes for all mums going in to their shop. It’s a small business, not a chain. I expect they know most of their clients by name, given how warm and friendly they are. They posted a photo of said lovely cakes on instagram.

Oh dear.

I expect you can guess what happened next.

“What?! For moms? So those of us without children left out further? I really hope you plan on giving EVERY woman who eats with you today one of these.”

 Aside from the fact that I’m not sure how you would tell a person wasn’t a mother, as they didn’t specify you had to be accompanied by your offspring, I find that a little much. Plus a small business giving away a product free to everyone might not be economically viable for them. Everything is made by hand, so perhaps extra hours would need to be factored in to the work day.

I realise it can be extremely hard for people who do not have kids, and desperately want them, but offering a small cake on a given day is not a slight against you. It really isn’t, and you know why? Because this is NOT ABOUT YOU. It is not your day, and I am sorry for that, and sorry that it hurts you that it can’t be your day, but it is what it is. That doesn’t excuse your being mean to nice people.

There is a difference between a deliberate exclusion and a very kind gesture on a specific day.

However, the lovely shop very graciously said

“Every single person that comes today! We are all mamas here today”

Now, I’m not sure that was their original intention, but bravo them for saying it. Many of us are without our Mothers today. Some through distance, some through bereavement or estrangement. Many, many more of us are not mothers, and never will be. This does not give us the right to demand things that, technically, aren’t our due. Though we can ask nicely.

As a wise person said “Positivity and kindness? Uhhuh. I don’t have kids. But I don’t feel any need to muscle in on a day celebrating mothers or a sweet kind gesture such as the offer to give a little cake away for the occasion.”

The original poster came back and said she’d just asked a polite question, but it really wasn’t polite at all. Certainly not in the way it was written. A simple “What about us non Mums? We can has cake too?” with a smiley face would have been better. But this was guilt tripping for a kind gesture and I hate that.

Your personal pain does not give you the right to throw sand in people’s faces when they make a kind gesture. And yes, people will – and should – call you on your bullshit.

As another wise person said (I know a LOT of wise people) ‘Not everything’s for everyone.’

Suck it up.

Make a call when it’s something that is a real injustice, not this faux Twitter Outrage that seems so prevalent now.

Have a read of this, see how ridiculous you sound, and recognise that you cannot have everything all of the time.

http://www.wanderlust.co.uk/magazine/news/20-astonishing-holiday-complaints-thomas-cook-abta

Wellbeing: mine, or yours?

“Health and wellbeing” seems to be the new favourite phrase. It’s being bandied about at my workplace, and whilst I am sure it comes from a good place, people do need to get a grip on what it means, not just generally, but individually.

It may come as a surprise to many, but thin doesn’t automatically equal healthy, and fat doesn’t automatically equal UNhealthy.

I know. Shocker, right? Who knew that a thin person could have chronic heart disease? Or that a fat person could have great blood pressure and cholesterol levels?

Or…what else? Oh yes. Did you know that both fat and thin people get the same illnesses? Yes, really. But did you also know that if I get an illness, I will get told to lose weight to cure it, and maybe given medicine but that when a thin person gets the same illness they will (mostly) be given a treatment without the body advice?

Appearance based healthcare should not be a thing. Actual medical evidence based healthcare should be a thing. The only thing you can really tell from what a person looks like is what they look like. (Apart from the obvious physical things like rickets, or decapitation, let’s not be silly about this.)

This week we had a Know Your Numbers session at work. What those numbers in relation to blood pressure, blood glucose levels etc., really mean.

Hurrah! says I. Useful stuff at last! and then I spied the devil in the detail. Those 3 letters that spell doom, gloom and lectures for most people who are not olympic athletes or star rugby players.

B M I

There were tape measures on all the tables, and little charts to help you work out your BMI. My heart sank.

Mostly it was ok. The Dr was an interesting speaker, and did a good job of explaining what most ‘normal’ numbers should be. BMI = 25, blood sugar = 5/6 and blood pressure more than 90 over 60 (90/60) and less than 120 over 80 (120/80). He did also say that BMI is of no real use. But then said it was a good measuring tool, which confused me.

I do not drink. I do not smoke. I rarely eat white bread, or pasta, or huge amounts of carbs. Junk food isn’t a thing in my house, and processed meals don’t really feature at all unless I have really run out of time and energy. I do not eat crisps, or even the latest ‘healthy’ snack, popcorn.

I follow, mostly, the Mediterranean diet because it’s what I love, it’s what I’m used to and who doesn’t love a good olive? (It’s ok, I know lots of people who do not.)

I decided to play with the blood pressure machine that the Dr had brought along, rather stupidly forgetting for a moment that I was going through two of the most stressful, upsetting, grief inducing weeks of my life, the culmination of which was going to be the next day, and which had a high probability of having a very bad, life altering outcome. Plus three people were crowded round staring at me while the machine was working.

I think my numbers were 142 over 91, then 140 over 90 the second time a couple of minutes later.

“That’s high blood pressure, you should get to your GP and get on statins. “

“But it’s never read like that before, it’s consistently within normal range whenever my GP checks it.”

“Well that’s just the numbers, that’s what it is.”

“So why, whenever I had had it checked, in all my 45 years, has it always been good? Even after a bike crash, it was perfect? Surely my GP would have said something?”

“Well, it’s just the numbers, go to your GP asap or get a blood pressure machine to use at home and keep an eye on it.”

But you know, it wasn’t his words. It was the look on his face. I know that look, I’ve seen it countless times over the years. It’s a slightly indulgent smile, and an expression that says

“Of course you’ve got high blood pressure, you’re fat.”

It doesn’t matter what I say, or how well I document what I eat, it’s never quite believed, because my appearance shouts the contrary, according to society. In fact one of my friends who kept a food diary, showing exactly how little she ate – and I know how she eats, she lived with me and was UNABLE to get to the shops herself to buy anything other than what was in the house – was told OUTRIGHT she was a liar.

The most stupid thing, the thing that I am angry with myself about, is that he actually managed to scare me, so I bought a portable blood pressure unit, and used it today. I could feel my heart racing as I put on the cuff, and of course…my BP was higher than when HE tested it, so has he now put so much fear in me that I’ll skew the result each time? Have I given myself some sort of white coat syndrome so that my adrenaline spikes at the very thought of the machine?

I feel fine, I eat well in a way that I know is good for me – the way my very first GP told me to eat when I was diagnosed with PCOS at age 16 – I try and walk as much as I can in the time I have each day, I try to not sit for too long at work, which is hard when you’re a PA whose job is mainly email and computer based, and I’m trying to lose weight for my own peace of mind but this whole thing has made me feel very scared, and about to run to my GP for statins.

This is not how properly done healthcare should make you feel. Whose wellbeing are they looking after, really, when one 10 minute meeting can leave a person upset and scared for days and spending money that they probably didn’t need to.

But, as ever…

G-PutOnBigGrlPanties